An interview with Jem Stopes

Jem Stopes is the newest member of The Bean Team and we couldn’t be happier to be working with them. They offer professional conflict resolution and mediation, relationship coaching and personal development coaching.

But we got to thinking…What is life coaching? What does mediation involve? We put these and other questions to Jem in this blog interview. Enjoy!

Above: Jem Stopes

Could you tell us a bit about your work with Resolve West?

I was trained by Resolve West back in 2016 in return for a two year volunteering commitment. I ended up volunteering with them for 4 years

A lot of the work I did was with neighbour disputes – typically referred by the council, a housing association, or the police. I also worked on a project supporting homeless young people to return to their family homes, and on a number of cases with children at a really progressive state school on the outskirts of Bristol.

We would always work in pairs – I got to work with an amazing array of people of all ages and career backgrounds.

I feel immensely grateful to Resolve West. It was a very welcoming organisation to work for, and they provided lots of great CPD over the years I was there.

If I was experiencing some conflict, say with a partner or a close friend, and came to you for mediation, what would that look like?

I'd start with a free exploratory call with you to check whether mediation seemed like a suitable option. I would then want you to put me in touch with the other party so I could conduct a long phone call with each of you. In those calls I would be aiming to understand both of your needs, and a little bit of the mechanics of the conflict, as well as building rapport with you both and coaching you on the process.

The next step would be to come together for a joint meeting. This would typically last around three hours (with breaks!) During this time I would be supporting all parties to have a conversation where we explore and uncover the key points of friction without slipping into a space that feels unsafe or overwhelming. The session would be a mixture of free-flowing conversation, and questions aimed at unearthing the deeper layers of what's going on. I'll typically also hold one or two short breakout meetings during the session to have a chance to coach each party separately on how they think the session is going and how they could get the most out of it. In the latter stages of the meeting we'll draw out some agreements together about how we intend to move forward.

After the meeting I would send out the typed up agreement, and also make a follow up call after a few days to each party to check-in and see how everything has landed.

In some cases a one-off meeting isn't appropriate, in which case we would arrange a series of sessions to happen over some days or weeks. In this case the meetings themselves would be shorter, but the basic format would be the same.

What would you say are the most important components of effective communication?

I think good listening is the most important component because if you can listen to someone well they'll be a whole lot more able to listen to you afterwards!

When it comes round to your turn to speak it's really helpful to talk about your own experience of the other person rather than the judgements you might have of them – 'I felt afraid' rather than 'you were being aggressive' for example. The key is to avoid creating defensiveness because once someone is defensive they're going to be much less able to understand you.

What kind of people come to you for Life Coaching and what do you do for them?

I help people to work towards their goals, but more important than that, I help people to search deep inside and find what truly motivates them, and what really stands in their way. Together we find pragmatic and achievable ways to work towards living the kind of life they want to live.

Because finding and setting goals is such a basic part of life I end up helping all sorts of people with all sorts of things – from thinking about going freelance to getting an elusive morning meditation practice into place.

I highly recommend life coaching to anyone who hasn't tried it – it's amazing how easily things can fall into place with a little outside perspective and support!

And lastly, what's your favourite yoga pose and why?

I first learned yoga at an Iyengar school in India where we used a lot of props. We would get ourselves scaffolded and supported and blanketed up with blocks and bolsters and cushions in Supta Virasana (Reclining Hero Pose) and then stay put for 20 minutes straight - the feeling afterwards was amazing!

To find out more about Jem’s experience and what they offer, you can read their bio here. To chat to Jem about any of the services they offer or to organise life coaching or mediation, please contact us and we will put you in touch.