Raising a Highly Sensitive Child

Is your child more sensitive than their peers? Do they find bright lights, strong smells, loud sounds and uncomfortable sensations difficult to deal with? Do they ask deep questions and notice more than you expect?

It could be that they are a HSC or Highly Sensitive Child. Raising a HSC can have its challenges, but can also be deeply rewarding and an opportunity to learn a lot about ourselves and, through their eyes, the wider world.

Jay Byrd, parent to a HSC and session leader at Bean Learning, has some words of advice.

Where does the term come from?

It was Psychologist Elaine Aron who coined the phrase. She has been conducting research into Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) since 1991 and has some valuable insights to share. For example, did you know that 15-20% of the population is highly sensitive? This means that it is too prevalent to be considered a disorder. This being said, our society is not built for those with sensory sensitivities and so can cause difficulties. 

Raising a HSP

As the mother of a HSC, I can tell you that it hasn’t always been an easy path (for me at least!). I have had to look into my own feelings about sensitivity and sensory processing and recognise false beliefs left over from my childhood (and eradicate them!). I sometimes found it triggering when my son was very cautious about things or reached a state of overwhelm. When I realised this came down to unmet needs from my own childhood and the way that my (probably highly sensitive) siblings were treated, I was able to heal these wounds and move forward in a more needs-based way with my own son.

Heal your inner child 

This is the first step I would advise for anyone raising a HSC - look at your childhood and think about the unwritten family rules, the expectations and the way you and others were treated when the rules were not followed and the expectations not met. This can be a painful process and you might need to enlist the services of a professional therapist to help you unpick it all. Until you have done this, you are likely to continue to struggle to support your HSC because every time they lay their needs out in front of you, you will be triggered by the fact that yours were not met. 

I advise everyone to at least consider this because even if your parents were way ahead of the curve and had made great efforts to improve upon their own parents’ parenting methods, it is likely that their own limitations (to do with their upbringing and the society they lived in) still meant that your needs were not always met. Sometimes we don’t even realise this until our children trigger certain feelings.

This is a step I hear parents talk about again and again as being one that supported them in becoming closer to their children and more able to support them with their needs and feelings.

Needs-based communication

You may notice the repeated use of the word “need” in this blog. That is because this is my starting point when dealing with any conflict as a parent (also as a friend, daughter, sister, partner etc). What is the need being expressed and how can that need be met? 

Note that a conflict can be very small or very big and that the importance you put upon it may not be on the same level as the other people involved. 

If you use needs-based communication, every problem is approached from the perspective of “What can you and I (together) do to solve this issue?”. Coming from this angle lets your HSC know that they are not alone and that you are listening and responding to them. 

Books like Nonviolent Communication -- A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B Rosenberg, can be a very useful starting point if this mode of communication is new to you.

Using needs-based communication with my son has been an absolute life-saver for us. My son trusts that I will listen to him and work together with him in any situation to find an outcome that works for us both.

Emotional Literacy

In order to use needs-based communication, we need to be able to talk about our own needs and feelings. As simple as this sounds, it is often the hardest part of the process. Sadly, many of us have been taught to ignore and suppress our emotions and needs in order to fit in better or comply with the needs of those in power (whether overt or more subtle). Parents and teachers often manipulate and overpower children and expect them to override even basic physical needs. When we have been treated this way, it becomes hard to even know what we feel or need in a given situation, let alone communicate these to others.

Becoming a parent is the perfect opportunity to relearn these skills and ensure that our children don’t suffer the same fate.

Fostering emotional literacy again requires you to look deep within yourself and consider your core beliefs and childhood experiences. You will need to tap into your feelings and needs so that you can model emotional intelligence to your children. Remember - they do what you do, not what you tell them to. If you are feeling frustrated but don’t express it through words they are likely to know and they will realise that you are being inauthentic - even if you don’t realise you are doing it yourself! My son once told me that I was like Joy from the Disney film Inside Out - a character who is always happy in a slightly “toxic positivity way”…and he didn’t mean it as a compliment! These days I let him know if I am feeling tired or anxious or embarrassed and he appreciates my honesty.

I will be focussing on ways to foster emotional intelligence on my social media channels in a few weeks so make sure you follow us on Instagram or Facebook and/or sign up for our newsletter for tips. 

Sensory Sensitivity

As well as being emotionally more aware and sensitive, your HSC is also likely to have heightened sensory sensitivity. This means that they may react more strongly than others to sensory input such as bright lights, strong smells, loud sounds and uncomfortable sensations. It is really important to believe your HSC when they tell you what they are experiencing. They have no reason to lie to you and your responses will affect the way they are able to deal with these experiences and how they feel about themselves. If you tell them they don’t feel what they feel it may lead to issues such as self-doubt and low self-esteem, as well as overwhelm in the moment.

Remember that behaviour is communication so if your HSC is behaving in a way that is unusual for them, check in to see if there is a sensory issue. Plan ahead to avoid overwhelm - attend silent fireworks displays (as long as your HSC enjoys the lights) or take ear protectors; if you have to go to places with bright lights, make the visit as short as possible or give your HSC sunglasses to wear; buy clothes that your HSC feels comfortable in and remove labels if they are an issue.

Rethinking discipline

Your HSC is even less likely than the next child to respond well to traditional discipline and if you use needs-based communication you won’t need it anyway. All conflicts can be treated in the same way - firstly, everyone is given appropriate time and support to calm down. Then all parties express their feelings (with support as necessary). Then everyone explains what they need and lastly, solutions are sought and agreements reached. 

Sending your HSC to another room or a “naughty” step will only result in them feeling disconnected and abandoned. They need to feel supported and held with their difficult feelings. Being given arbitrary punishments will not foster understanding and build moral behaviours, it will trigger your HSC’s strong and innate sense of injustice - even if it does result in compliance, the damage will be done.

Be gentle with yourself

As I said before, parenting a HSC can be deeply rewarding, but it is also often very challenging. It is important to find downtime for yourself if at all possible, enlist the support of professionals where needed and ideally connect with other parents and carers on the same journey.

Here’s how we can help:

If you are home educating your HSC, or considering it, join us online for free on a Tuesday night for Home Ed Chat.

If you need some support with putting the suggestions above in place, contact us to find out more about our Parent Consultations (no obligation, sessions start at £40 per session but we offer discounts for those experiencing financial difficulties)

Our online sessions for children are gently held, with our special ethos meaning that HSCs are more likely to feel comfortable and safe.

You can also sign up to receive our weekly Beanvine ezine for more parenting support and to read similar posts and blogs.