The Trouble with Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day not going quite as you would have liked?
Triggered by the whole idea?
Left feeling unappreciated and unloved?
Perhaps my story can help
Expectation doesn’t always meet reality
It’s just not that simple
There are so many people who struggle with the whole idea of Mother’s Day that companies have started giving customers the option to opt out from hearing about it, and rightly so! It can be tricky for so many different reasons, from those who want to have children but can’t to those who have lost children and those who have difficult relationships with their own mothers (sending love if any of these are you). For people who are struggling, having it thrust down their throats at every turn can be really uncomfortable.
I hope it goes without saying that I am all for the concept of celebrating mothers but I am never up for doing anything simply because there is a societal expectation to do it! There is only meaning in a celebration if it is heartfelt and genuine.
My Day
I love celebrations, I will take any opportunity going to say nice things and give gifts to my loved-ones and pretty much everyone else. It’s totally my jam. My son, however, operates very differently. He’s got to the age where he has started buying his friends presents out of his own money so he’s on that journey, but I don’t get gifts yet. We were in a shop yesterday and I was looking at the flowers thinking that I really wanted some so I asked him to choose some for me for Mothers Day. He got a gorgeous bunch with purple and white flowers in (purple is my favourite colour) and I felt really happy putting them in vases and displaying them. He said “Happy Mothers Day” this morning and I asked if he would come for a walk with me and he decided he didn’t want to. I know I probably won’t see him much today.
How would you feel if that was your Mother’s Day? The answer to this question will depend on your unique situation, expectations and disposition.
What if I tell you more about our life? If I told you how he tells me I am the best mum in the world every night, how he almost always thanks me for his meals, how he asks me about my day and then really listens? Does that change how you feel about my Mothers Day?
Because it does for me. I would far rather live my life with him as it is than have lavish gifts and attention on just one day!
The trouble with a mother’s place in western society
Sadly, this kind of tokenism is rife in western society. We have just had International Women’s Day so I am sure you have all seen at least some statistics showing that women are still earning less, disadvantaged more by becoming parents, doing most of the housework and emotional/mental labour of running a home, less represented in positions of power and less likely to be well served medically (as if you hadn’t noticed the rest of the year). So I guess it stands to reason that motherhood is not a well-valued position to hold. There is a lot of societal programming to unpick, cycles to break, assumptions to discard and patriarchy to smash - oh great, more work!
I hear from so many unappreciated mothers, women who work so hard but don’t get their needs met. It’s time for that to change.
But how?
If you would like to live a calmer, more connected, more supported life but aren’t sure how to get there, perhaps it might be helpful for me to divulge some of my secrets. Just to be clear, he didn’t pop out like this! We have definitely had periods of major conflict. Here’s what I have been doing over the last 8 years or so to get my family to the point where I feel loved, appreciated and supported every day (and so does my son!).
Worked really hard on myself to change the power dynamic in our relationship so we are approaching equality
Learned about the triggers and automatic responses I have from my childhood and worked to minimise/eradicate these
Did courses on Non-Violent Communication (NVC) and worked hard on applying what I learned
Learned conflict transformation techniques and tools
Spent time processing my childhood experiences and the way I was parented and thinking consciously about what I wanted to do differently (and then putting that into place!)
Surrounded myself with people who parent and educate the way I do, support networks are really helpful if you can get them
Told him clearly what I appreciate about him, without an agenda and thanked him for things he does
Practiced being honest and vulnerable with my son so that he knows what my needs are and how he can support them, this also models good communication skills for him to use. When my needs are being met I am more resourced and it is much easier to be the parent I want to be
Listened to him, believed him, respected him and, of course, loved him!
I am not going to lie, it was a lot of work. I did most of it as a solo parent and some of it while struggling with chronic health issues but it was the most worthwhile work I have done in my life. Some of the work involved learning how to be kinder to myself and allow myself to mess up.
Through this process we have learned to appreciate each other every day and that’s why I don’t feel snubbed or unappreciated or disappointed today.
I hope this doesn’t come across as me telling you all how awesome I am or being super smug - that’s totally not the point. The point is that I believe everyone can have this kind of relationship with their children and I am here to support that. I want every mother to feel appreciated, heard, seen and celebrated every day, just as I do.
If you would like that and think I can help, please get in touch, I’d love to work with you.
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