Letting go with grace - parenting teens
From Harry Enfield’s Kevin the teenager, to news reports about adolescent gangs, teens don’t tend to get very good press but what is the reality?
If you expect to be parenting a teen one day, it’s a good idea to think ahead.
It’s a transition for parents as well, perhaps that’s an important piece of the puzzle.
“Teenagers are delicate, they still need our protection, love, adoration, counsel, calm and stability, just as much as they need freedom.”
All the boys my son has been
Sometimes i think back on all the boys my son has been. That fresh new baby with the milk-drunk smile and special smell; the mischievous toddler, running around on chubby legs and getting into everything; my little boy, coming for waffle dust when he scraped his knee and sleeping beside me so warm and small; that curious tween, trying his strength and questioning the world. All gone but somehow still here in the gangling teen who now lives in our home. Hundreds of boys, all a bit different but identical at the core, all utterly beloved. Sometimes I miss one or another of them, every day I am grateful for the beautiful young man who stands before me today.
What’s in it for you?
I remember when I first began to feel him pull away from me. A distance growing between us, a separation. I’d thought about it before and I knew I wanted to be prepared, needed to be. You see, it’s just been me and him for a long time and he’s been the centre of my life. Especially since I started my respectful parenting journey and really stepped up my parenting game. I didn’t really date much, didn’t go out a whole lot, home educated, worked from home so I could always be around for him. I absolutely would not change a moment of it but when the wind of change started to blow I thought I could see something for me wafting in on them too. Which helped a lot. In fact, with the time my son freed up as he needed me less, I started a relationship and have now been with my amazing partner for 2 years.
Don’t take it personally
For a long time I have known that I wanted to be careful with this transition, for both our sakes. I knew that I didn’t want to feel abandoned, bereft, useless or discarded. In my journey from Mother to Crone (who doesn’t love an archetype) I aim to be intentional and to embrace all the steps along the way, while also supporting my son to embrace his transition from boyhood into manhood. Teenagers are delicate, they still need our protection, love, adoration, counsel, calm and stability, just as much as they need freedom. For this reason it is important not to overcorrect. A knee-jerk “You are leaving me so I will leave you” reaction will cause untold damage to your teen and your relationship with them. That’s where the grace comes in. Of course, you also deserve grace. No-one is calm and stable all the time!
That being said, here are some tips for parenting your teen:
Get with the neuroscience
Understanding teenage brains is hugely useful, that’s not the remit of this blog but please google for relevant Ted Talks etc because there’s some fascinating stuff going on in their noggins as they grow (which continues to go on until their mid 20’s!). It’s also really important that they understand what is happening to their brains because those hormones are mighty and the effects are much easier to deal with if everyone understands that and makes allowances. Reassurance goes a long way.
Parenting matters
I’ve found that all the parenting I have done up until now has laid down some amazing foundations that are really paying dividends right now. My son is a very private person so I won’t say too much but I will tell you that I am so grateful we did so much work together around emotional literacy, non-violent communication and needs-based living. The training I gave myself in being non-judgemental has allowed my son to be far more honest and open than I ever imagined and is the gift that keeps on giving. To be totally transparent a lot of that work was done while I was in an obscure esoteric south american religion so good to know that strange time was worth something! Of course, if you are new to respectful/gentle parenting it is never too late. Start today! If you aren’t sure how, get in touch to book a consultation.
Fill your cup
Getting my hormones sorted out when I started peri-menopause (actually, well after I started but we got there in the end - see my blog about this for more) has been a great help too. I am able to meet my son’s hormonal fluctuations with a grounded, calm energy I would not have without the wonder that is HRT. Of course, everyone is different and not everyone can take it but for me it is nothing short of miraculous. I try to keep my cup full in other ways too - sleeping well (ignore the time this was published), eating well, moving my body and, now I have more time available, nourishing myself with joyful, supportive relationships.
Let go, but not too much
In conclusion, the title of this piece is actually a bit misleading. There is some letting go to be done - letting go of expectations, of the versions of your child you once had, of power (if you are still using that, this is a great opportunity to release it) - but on the whole, I think you will gain far more from parenting a teen than you ever lose. There may be some ebb and flow but if you can learn not to hold tight, but to keep your hand out - open and ready to receive - your teen will take it. Then a whole other journey begins!
