Why I am celebrating ‘National Hug day’…
Our co-founder, session leader and consultant, Jay Byrd, talks about her relationship with her son and why she is celebrating ‘National Hug Day’ today.
Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Hugs seem to be one of the things that people are missing most during lockdowns, so much so that James Corden made a sketch about it.
For those of us living with children whilst trying to work from home, it can seem like there isn’t enough time for anything, even hugs! We might also be feeling touched out or not very loving from constant arguments and difficult feelings. For those people, I would like to tell you a story. It’s the story of how my relationship with my son began to heal after we had been through a big upheaval and associated life changes.
My son was experiencing lots of big feelings at the time - he wasn’t enjoying school and he was frustrated and angry (and sad underneath it all). I was also feeling fairly overwhelmed. I was having to make lots of decisions and deal with lots of uncertainty. I had a lot of things to do. As often happens during these times, we were in conflict a lot. I didn’t have the skills and knowledge back then that I have now and also didn’t have a lot of support so it was all quite intense. I felt like I couldn’t take much more fighting.
In the midst of all this, my son and I found ourselves lying on my bed together. We were both reading our own books, not talking or interacting. It was in that moment that I realised that I hadn’t touched my son in a loving way for weeks. I had obviously helped him with practical things, maybe held his hand on the way to school, but I hadn’t held him close, stroked his face or touched his shoulder with the intention of expressing my love. I reached over and put my hand on his leg (the closest bit of him at the time). He didn’t respond but he didn’t push me away. That was the moment our relationship (and us as individuals) began to heal.
That day was years ago and I can’t think of any time since that I have not engaged in loving touch with him for a whole day. We both recognise the importance of hugs and will sometimes ask one-another for an “Oxy hug”, our name for a long, tight hug that helps us both relax and feel loved.
“Medical studies show that cuddling can boost overall health by … releasing ‘feel good’ hormones such as endorphins and oxytocin.” says Sonal Haerter, MD, a physician in St. Joseph’s Internal Medicine Center.
The research around hugging shows myriad benefits apart from that feeling of being loved and supported, Other health benefits of cuddling include:
Improved mental well-being
Pain relief
Lowering of blood pressure
Reduction of social anxiety
Stress reduction
Protection against inflammation
Of course, there are some things to be aware of when hugging. Consent must be sought and (enthusiastically) given and non-verbal cues paid close attention to. People who are very tactile, like me, must learn to restrain themselves if touch is not needed or wanted in the moment. In these situations, it is important not to take this personally and stop offering hugs and loving touch, or to become afraid that your love will always be rejected when offered in this way. Neurodiversity may bring with it less willingness to touch and be touched so that should also be considered and respected.
There are 5 love languages, of which physical affection is only one, so if it isn’t the main one enjoyed by your loved ones there are plenty of other ways to show that you care. For most people though, loving touch from a close friend or family member is a potent de-stressor and wonderful way to connect and both of those things are extra necessary right now. So I am celebrating National Hug Day by holding my son close (if he’s cool with that) because I know that hugs have the power to heal.