Children’s Mental Health Week

From her experience as a parent, home educator and childminder, Jay Byrd writes about her understanding of children’s mental health and some of the key things we can do to support the mental health of the young people in our lives.

As we move towards the end of Children’s Mental Health week, I want to add my voice. I am writing now rather than at the start of the week because I want to be clear that supporting children with their mental health is not a sprint, it is a marathon.

In order to support the mental health of the children in our lives we must not only start as soon as we can and be consistent, we have to continue to improve, continue to learn and, most importantly, continue to work on our own mental health.

Mental health is at the heart of us as humans: research shows that having robust mental health strategies can help us to tolerate higher levels of pain, overcome diseases and generally live longer.* 

So, what are the basic tenets we need to consider?

Children are not all equal

We should not pursue a policy of equality with the children in our lives because children differ greatly in their basic physiology as well as early experiences. Nature and nurture work together to create a perfectly imperfect human. We cannot expect every child to tolerate a certain level of stress just because one can, or enjoy a certain situation, or feel any particular way. We have to meet each child where they are and provide the individualised support they need. Sometimes this will involve learning a whole new way of being. And that’s OK.

The essential ingredients

Whilst the above is most certainly true, there are some aspects of a caregiver relationship which will successfully support most children’s mental health. If there is love, warmth, positive regard, quality time, held space for emotions, a concern for consent and a measure of autonomy in a child’s early relationships, this will be a very good start.* Thanks to the joys of neuroplasticity, it’s never too late to start.* If we can encourage in our children resilience, empathy, a growth mindset, self-esteem and a sense of self-worth, competency and meaning we will not be going far wrong.*

Connection is key

The Harvard Happiness Study* was a piece of longitudinal research which culminated in the discovery that the best indicator of happiness (and health) was the quality of one’s relationships. From this it seems clear to me that developing good interpersonal skills and enjoying safe and healthy relationships is key for humans of all ages. 

Don’t be afraid to question the status quo

The current education system (in the UK at least) was invented as a form of childcare for workers and basic education for future workers. That’s not to say that it doesn’t work well for some children but it is important to remember that we have only been outsourcing our children’s education for a century or so. Many practices that were once seen as dangerous, foolish or “only for the poor” are now being supported by research as important for health and happiness. Co-sleeping, breastfeeding and baby-wearing fall into this category.* Likewise, the most recent research is showing that child-rearing staples of recent decades, such as controlled crying and ‘the naughty step’, are actually harmful.* Just because everyone is doing it doesn’t mean it is right for you and your family. Your best guide is your intuition, provided you have done the work to remove the clamouring voices that seek to drown it out (such as shame, socialisation, intergenerational patterns, fear of stigma etc).

There is much in my statements above to unpack and, indeed, it has taken me over a decade of being a parent (plus countless hours spent working and playing with children) to really understand them so it doesn’t feel possible to convey the details of them all in a short blog. Instead of attempting that, I will leave them here for your consideration in the hope that you will develop your own knowledge about them (possibly with the help of the sessions or consultations we offer). 

Ultimately, children need our love and understanding. Supporting their mental health might not be the easiest job in the world but it might just be the best.

* Contact us for references